Father of the Year

I think there should be a father of the year award. Not like a trophy, certificate, or coffee mug, but something that actually incentivizes deadbeat Dads to actually give a shit. 

4 editorial notes on this:

1. I’m not throwing my hat in the ring. I’m an ok Dad (mainly because Mikey and I speak the same toddler language). But I’m also incentivized already enough to be a good Dad.

2. If some parts of the award system seem a bit geared to, well, the male psyche… it’s because it is. I would expect the Mother of the Year award to be geared to the female psyche.

3. To avoid gaming the system, this should be judged by Mothers Against Drunk Driving. There’s no bullshitting them.

4. The awards themselves may prevent you from continuing as an awesome father. So the award must be given to fathers whose kiddos have left the nest already. This incentivizes them not to be awesome for just one year – but for 18 (or 25… or 35… or… no at some point, you’re a bad father if you don’t kick them out).

Ok… onto the awards. I expect 3 options each geared to different types of deadbeat Dads (I’ve met quite a few of them out there).

 

For the selfish dead-beat Dads (think world-of-warcraft over kiddo’s soccer games): High speed T3 connections to your own private cloud with guarantees of being the most awesome at whatever game you want to play. Oh… you can also connect via the latest iPad on your own space shuttle with hot chick robots to tend to you.

For the red-neck Dads whose idea of playing with their kids is to drive them in the bed of their truck on a highway: You can go riding NASCAR sanctioned Ford F950s with Jessica Simpson-looking quadruplets while shooting 30 point bucks with an AK47 in each hand while wearing a beer hat. Yeee Haw!

For the junky dead-beat Dads: Weed (or crack, or whatever drug of choice you prefer). That’s right… be a good Dad and you can have enough weed for free without penalty of law to turn a village into a hippy commune with a Taco Bell branch at every outhouse. 

 

 

What do you think? Are more options needed?